Trying to get pregnant while dealing with infertility

This is not my usual style, it's going to be very personal and probably a little bit more information than you ever really wanted. But since getting pregnant we've had so many people say "I was wondering what your deal was"... not in so many words, but you get the point. So here is our story.

We got married about 6 years ago with the intent to wait about 2 years and then start having kids. I don't think there is anything wrong with wanting to know each other before you have kids and to develop as an adult. We do believe in using birth control and we did use it.

After about 3 years of not trying to have kids (notice I didn't say "not wanting" because I think we both have always wanted them) we decided it was a good time to start trying. We fasted and prayed and both felt it was time to start trying. I was quite sure that this was a thing that was going to happen right away for us, I felt the time was right and that it would come quickly.

After about 6 months of being unsuccessful I decided to call the doctor. I knew we couldn't get in saying that we'd been trying for several months unsuccessfully because you can't go in for that reason until you've been trying for about a year. (Un)luckily I wasn't having a normal period... or one at all. So I made my appointment, which was in 2 months, so by the time I saw the doctor we had been trying for 8 months. During the appointment, I also told him we were trying to get pregnant to see if he could help us out there. He gave me the usual speech about seeing what happens after a year and that true infertility doesn't get diagnosed until 2 years of being unsuccessful. I then told him my family history of how both my mother and sister have had the same problems and he decided it was ok to start me on fertility medicine.

Whew, that stuff made me CRAZY at first. I have always been so prideful about being in control of my emotions. But for that first 10 days... watch out! Luckily that was a one time deal. I started off on just a couple of pills. One to regulate my period and another to make sure I actually ovulated. Months and months of nothing. After about 6 months I got to go back in... still unsuccessful. That's when the fun testing begins. Blood tests were first. We found out that my body was telling itself "Self: you're lactating so you don't need to ovulate." My body is really dumb to tell itself that. Got a pill for that. Then it said "Hey, I'm still not going to ovulate." Got a pill for that. Then it said "Well I like sugar so I'm going to eat a lot of that"... okay, maybe that was me, but got a pill to help with that. There was a point that I was taking 7 pills a day (some being prenatal) but still, it seemed like a lot.

Then there was this fun time where I was playing night ultimate frisbee with the Young Men and Young Women in my ward and decided it would be fun to tear my ACL... again. So I had the surgery, which really was only supposed to set us back about a month, but shortly following the surgery was blood clots, which moved into my lungs and turned into pulmonary embolisms. Did you know that blood thinners were a category X drug? DON'T GET PREGNANT WHILE YOU'RE TAKING THEM OR YOU COULD DIE. Strong words from my doctor. He told me to get off of all of my fertility medicine and just take this for 6 months. By this time we'd been trying for close to 2 years, putting me in the official "infertile" category. Me=sad.

We had some time to think and prepare during this time. It was nice to not have the constant reminder that we couldn't get pregnant, but it was torture waiting that time. The 6 months ended and I went straight back to the doctor for some more pills. After a few months he ordered some more tests. There is one where they put die in you and x-ray your tubes to see if there is any sort of blockage. That one actually hurt. My x-ray technician almost got kicked in the face a couple of times. That one came up clear, which was a huge relief.

It seemed every time I went to the doctor I would get more nervous. Would this be the time that he told us we just couldn't have kids at all? Would he say that it just wasn't in our future? Would he hand me some pamphlets on adoption? This was an option I knew we may seriously have to consider, and watching one of my friends go through the process made me know that it would still be many years before we had that child that we longed for so deeply. And the ups and downs were probably even worse than trying to get pregnant.

The advice was endless. A lot I asked for, but a lot I didn't. I had standing on my head to "you're having too much sex" (that was my favorite). I laughed until I asked my doctor and he said we were. Every other day is the trick, not everyday. Give your man some time to reload :)

Months were still going by. I think every month was a bigger disappointment than the last. We then got a tip from our neighbor that a house in our neighborhood was going up for sale. We weren't really in the market for a house, but we knew we loved our neighborhood so we looked it over and fell in love with it. The house buying process was a very nice distraction from trying to get pregnant. I set aside all my calendars of when I was ovulated and when I was perioding (is that a word) and concentrated on that. About a week before we moved in to the house I was 5 days late (which wasn't an abnormal thing). I was frustrated though because the cramps were driving me crazy and I was super duper moody. I finally just bought a pregnancy test just to ease my mind to wait for it to come up negative like it had so many times in the past. I peed on it, threw it in the sink, and went to leave the room. As I did, out of the corner of my eye I spotted that positive. I dropped to my knees in disbelief. I think I sat there for a good five minutes before I realized I had to leave for work. I packed up the test and headed straight for Chad. We both couldn't believe what we were looking at.

I took another test that night, just to make sure. It was really surreal. My friend had come over that night and I couldn't keep it in and told her. After a couple of "are you serious?" we were jumping up and down and I was crying (please keep in mind that I'm the girl that NEVER cries... oh how that has changed).

I sit here 13 weeks 4 days pregnant. Still not sure of what to do and still so petrified that this isn't going to last. Every morning when I throw up is bitter-sweet. I throw up knowing that the baby is saying "I'm still here" but I don't like feeling like crap every day... but I'll take it. I do have to say that during the process that there was a lot of whining and "poor me's" going on. I have great friends, though, and I mean REALLY great friends. Chad was always so patient and understanding. I know we're not the only ones to have gone through this... and technically we haven't made it all the way through. It really was a hard process. It's hard watching people accidentally get pregnant and be disappointed, or watching people have their 3rd baby since you've been trying. It's hard not to think that the Lord doesn't trust you with one of his choice children or that somehow He's protecting you from being a bad parent. It's hard to smile when a comforting hand it patting you on the back and saying "it will happen, you just need to be patient." I can't say that I'm not a better person today though. Patience is definitely something I can say that something that I've learned. I've also learned that I don't have nearly the control over my own life that I thought. :)